The Communities That Shape Our Lives

Introduction

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about community.

I am incredibly fortunate to be part of the Vistage community. In January, I’ll begin my 24th year doing this work. When I think about that, it’s hard to believe how quickly the time has passed—and how much my life has been shaped by the people I’ve met along the way.

I have met some remarkable people through Vistage. They have been there when I needed help, challenged me when I needed to be challenged, and taught me an enormous amount about how to be a better coach, colleague, businessperson, and human being.

Perhaps most importantly, they have taught me a great deal about how to live.

Sometimes the Stars Align

I don’t know how I got so lucky.

Sometimes the stars seem to align and open a path that turns out to be exactly the one you were meant to follow. I feel certain that happened to me professionally.

What makes that somewhat ironic is that I have never been someone who naturally joins groups. I have avoided cliques my entire life. It takes a lot for me to join something—and even more for me to feel that I truly belong.

But from the moment I attended my first Vistage meeting, I never looked back.

I have developed tremendous relationships with colleagues and had the privilege of becoming part of the lives of remarkable members who have trusted me to advise and coach them as they navigate their own journeys.

Over the years, I’ve had the good fortune to work with several hundred CEOs and business owners, along with probably an equal number of senior and emerging leaders. I also have my own coaching business, where clients have trusted me to help shape the future of their businesses and leadership teams.

I have also made space in my life for writing and creating. Over time, I have published more than 900 blog posts, 100 best-practice documents, two books, and many other tools and resources. Creating gives me another way to process what I am learning, share ideas with others, and hopefully contribute something useful.

When I put all of this together, I sometimes can’t believe that I make a living learning, growing, creating, and helping other people do the same.

But something else has happened along the way that I probably didn’t anticipate when I started.

Some of those professional relationships became friendships. And some of those friendships became communities that are now deeply meaningful parts of my life.

Keepers of the Flame

The first of those communities is Keepers of the Flame.

I’ve been attending Keepers for 8 years. We meet in Boulder, Colorado, every year, and I feel honored to be part of this extraordinary group of Vistage Chairs and colleagues.

Every time I leave Boulder, I take something with me.

Sometimes it is big, and sometimes it is small. It may be an insight about my work, a question about my life, an observation someone makes, or simply watching how another person approaches the world.

But I always leave changed in some way.

There is something powerful about stepping outside the formal structures of our work and spending time with people who understand many of the challenges, responsibilities, and questions that come with the lives we have chosen.

We talk about what is working and what isn’t. We ask deep and sometimes difficult questions about our past, present, and future. We share our hopes, frustrations, fears, aspirations, and uncertainties.

There is an unusual level of vulnerability in the group, and that vulnerability is respected. It reminds me every year of the importance of psychological safety—not simply as a leadership concept we talk about in organizations, but as something we need in our own lives.

There is something incredibly powerful about being able to disclose what is truly going on with you—to say what you are actually thinking—and know that you are surrounded by people you trust, care about, and who genuinely care about you.

You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to have all the answers. You can simply be honest.

When that happens among people who respect one another, some remarkable conversations become possible.

Guardians of The Flame

More recently, another community has become part of my life: Guardians of The Flame.

Guardians is a newer offshoot of Keepers of the Flame and, in many ways, its European sister. This is the third year I’ve traveled to Edinburgh to spend time with this remarkable group of colleagues.

What has struck me is that the same spirit I have experienced for so many years in Boulder has emerged here.

These are highly accomplished people, but what makes the experience special isn’t what anyone has accomplished professionally. In fact, much of that seems to disappear once we get together.

We help one another think through our lives. We ask difficult questions. We talk about where we have been, where we are now, and where we think we are going. We share things that are working and things that aren’t.

And we trust one another enough to be vulnerable.

The conversations in Edinburgh have reminded me that when the right people create the right environment, you don’t have to pretend to know more than you do or have everything figured out.

You can simply show up as yourself.

Every time I leave Edinburgh, I learn something about myself. I also learn something about the people around me that makes me respect and appreciate them even more.

For someone who has never naturally been a joiner, I don’t take that sense of belonging for granted.

Finding Your People

When I think about both Keepers and Guardians, I keep coming back to the importance of finding your people.

I don’t remember where I first encountered the idea, but I have always liked the notion that our lives are significantly shaped by the people with whom we spend the most time.

If you aspire to something in life, find people who are already there—or who have figured out some way to get there—and surround yourself with them.

My adult professional life has largely been about learning from, assisting, and growing alongside high-performing leaders, businesspeople, and colleagues. But I have increasingly come to realize that this idea extends well beyond professional success.

The right people don’t simply help you become more successful. They help you become more thoughtful, self-aware, curious, courageous, and sometimes more humble.

They ask questions you might prefer not to answer. They notice things about you that you can’t see yourself. And when the relationships are strong enough, they care enough about you to tell you what they see.

That is a gift.

A Few Questions Worth Asking

My time in Edinburgh has once again left me thinking about questions I believe are worth asking ourselves periodically:

• Are you spending enough time with the right people?
• Have you intentionally built relationships with people who push you to become a better version of yourself?
• How much time and energy are you investing in your own professional and personal development?
• Is self-reflection actually part of your routine, or something you only do when life forces you to?
• What is guiding and grounding you? And, how is this changing?
• Do you know what you are ultimately trying to achieve with your life?
• When you reach the top of the hill, do you know why you wanted to plant your flag there in the first place?
• Are you committed to paying it forward and helping others along their own journey?

These aren’t easy questions, and I’m not sure they’re supposed to be. But they become easier to ask when you are surrounded by people who are willing to ask them with you.

What Ultimately Matters

Ultimately, I believe that a life is largely defined by the impact we have on the people we care about and love—and, more broadly, by the people we befriend, trust, support, and invite to become part of our journey.

Professional accomplishments matter. Building businesses matters. Financial success matters. Doing meaningful work matters. Creating and sharing ideas matters.

But none of those things happen in isolation.

When I think about the most meaningful parts of my professional life, I increasingly find myself thinking about people: the people who trusted me, challenged me, taught me, allowed me to help them, and cared enough to help me.

I also think about the opportunity to create something that might be useful to someone else. Every blog post, best-practice document, book, tool, or resource is another way of extending a conversation and contributing something back to the communities that have given me so much.

So, thank you to my colleagues in Keepers of the Flame, a community that has been part of my life for more than a dozen years.

Thank you to my colleagues in Guardians, a newer community that has grown out of that same spirit and has already become deeply meaningful to me.

And thank you to Vistage for creating an opportunity in my life that I could never have fully anticipated when I walked into that first meeting almost 24 years ago.

Tonight, after a long and fruitful day in Edinburgh, I go to bed feeling blessed and grateful for the people who have become part of my journey—and genuinely excited about what tomorrow might bring.

Not a bad way to live.