Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart by Dr. Gordon Livingston

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We Are What We Do

We are not what we think, or what we say, or how we feel. We are what we do.” “The three components of happiness are something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.” “We are entitled to receive only that which we are prepared to give.” “If we wish, as most of us do, to be treated with kindness and forbearance, we need to cultivate those qualities in ourselves.” ‘Well-functioning families are good at letting their children go. Poor functioning families tend to hold on to them.” “Some ignorance is invincible. People can become so wedded to their particular view of how things should work that they ignore all evidence that suggests change is necessary.” ”

We Cannot Control Our Feelings

We do not control how we feel or what we think. Efforts to do so are uniformly frustrating as we struggle against unwanted thoughts and emotions in ways that only exacerbate them.” “…there is a fine line between expressing empathy and solidarity for those who suffer and endorsing a passive dependency.” ‘In some settings, notably our intimate relationships, we gain control only by relinquishing it.” “There are certain personality characteristics that are highly correlated with academic and professional success: dedication to work, attention to detail. ability to manage time, conscientiousness…” “The list of paradoxes is endless: the relentless pursuit of pleasure brings pain; the greatest risk is not taking any. My personal favorite is that everything in life is a good news/bad news story. ”

Embracing Our Mortality

Only by embracing our mortality can we be happy in the time we have. The intensity of our connections to those we love is a function of our knowledge that everything and everyone is evanescent.” “Usually, it is fear and its close cousin, anxiety, that keep us from doing those things that would make us happy. So much of our life consists of broken promises to ourselves.” “Before we do anything, we must be able to imagine it.” “The disconnect between what we say and what we do is not merely a measure of hypocrisy since we usually believe our statements are of good intent. We simply pay too much attention to words–ours and others- and not enough to the actions that really define us. The walls of our self-constructed prisons are made up in equal parts of our fear of risk and our dream that the world and the people in it will conform to our fondest wishes. It is hard to let go of a comforting illusion, but harder still to construct a happy life out of perceptions and beliefs that do not correspond to the world around us.” “Whatever obligations we have to our children, a conviction that we can achieve happiness amid the losses and uncertainties that life contains is the greatest gift that we can pass from one generation to the next. Like all the values we wish to teach our children–honesty, commitment, empathy, respect, hard work–the supreme importance of hope is taught by example.” ”

Accomplishment Requires Risk

All significant accomplishments involve taking risks: the risk of failure in invention, in exploration, or in love.” ”

Attitude Shapes Our Feelings

Our feelings depend mainly on our interpretation of what is happening to us and around us—our attitudes. It is not so much what occurs, but how we define events and respond that determines how we feel.” “The traits that we display toward other people are major determinants of how successful we are in forming and sustaining relationships.” “Virtually all happiness-producing processes in our lives take time, usually a long time: learning new things, changing old behaviors, building satisfying relationships, raising children. This is why patience and determination are among life’s primary virtues.” “…it is the act that defines us, not the cause we use as a rationale…If we believe it is better to build than destroy, better to live and let live, better to be than be seen, then we might have a chance, slowly, to find a satisfying way through life, this flicker of consciousness between two great silences.” “Often it is the dalliances and the detours that define us. There are no maps to guide our most important searches; we must rely on hope, chance, intuition, and a willingness to be surprised.” “Nearly every human action is in some way an expression of how we think about ourselves. There are few behaviors that are self-esteem neutral.” “We routinely invoke theories of accident, coincidence, and forgetfulness to explain behaviors that we do not wish to examine closely.” “Good intentions are more than paving stones on the road to hell, they are distractions from the serious task of evaluating who we are and what we really want. If we spend our time imagining some ideal of beauty or self-improvement, it drains energy and distracts our attention from more serious and attainable objectives.” “It is always easier to keep doing what we are used to, even if it’s evidently not working for us.” “If we choose to focus our awareness and energy on those positive things and people that bring us pleasure and satisfaction, we have a very good chance of being happy in a world full of unhappiness.” “To know someone fully and love them in spite of, even because of, their imperfections is an act that requires us to recognize and forgive, two very important indicators of emotional maturity.” “It is our fallibility and uncertainty that makes us human. Our constant challenge is not to seek perfection in ourselves and others but to find ways to be happy in an imperfect world. We are impeded in this effort if we cling to an idealized vision of the past that ensures dissatisfaction with the present.” “…what we remember and how we remember it is affected by the meaning of events to us and by the effort we make to construct a coherent narrative from our lives that reflect what we think of ourselves and how we became the people we are–or wish we were.” “To be able to fully experience the sadness and absurdity that life so often presents and still find reasons to go on is an act of courage abetted by our ability to both love and laugh. Above all, to tolerate the uncertainty we must feel in the face of the large questions of existence requires that we cultivate an ability to experience moments of pleasure.” “Mental health is a function of choice. The more choices we are able to exercise, the happier we are likely to be…We are never out of choices, no matter how desperate the circumstances.” “If we can relinquish the preoccupations and pseudo-explanations that are rooted in the past, we are free to choose the attitudes with which we confront the present and future.” “If we approach others in a suspicious or hostile way, they are more likely to respond accordingly, thereby confirming our low expectations. Fortunately, the opposite is likewise true.” ”

Coming To Terms With The Past

Coming to terms with our past is inevitably a process of forgiveness, of letting go, the simplest and most difficult of all human endeavors. It is simultaneously an act of will and of surrender. And it often seems impossible until the moment you do it.”

Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart by Dr. Gordon Livingston

We Are What We Do

We Cannot Control Our Feelings

Embracing Our Mortality

Accomplishment Requires Risk

Attitude Shapes Our Feelings

Coming To Terms With The Past

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Leadership thinking, in your inbox.

Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart by Dr. Gordon Livingston

We Are What We Do

We Cannot Control Our Feelings

Embracing Our Mortality

Accomplishment Requires Risk

Attitude Shapes Our Feelings

Coming To Terms With The Past

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