Chapter 1: What Are You Afraid Of?
Level 1 Fears – The Surface Story; Exterior Situations
|Those That Happen||Those Requiring Action|
|Aging||Going Back to School|
|Becoming Disabled||Making Decisions|
|Retirement||Changing A Career|
|Being Alone||Making Friends|
|Children Leaving Home||Ending or Beginning A Relationship|
|Natural Disasters||Going to a Doctor|
|Loss of Financial Security||Asserting Oneself|
|Losing A Loved One||Making a Mistake|
Level 2 Fears – Inner States of Mind
|Being Vulnerable||Loss of Image|
You begin to protect yourself, and as a result, greatly limit yourself
Level 3 Fear – I Can’t Handle It
Level 1 Fears Translate To:
I can’t handle illness.
I can’t handle making a mistake.
I can’t handle losing my job.
I can’t handle getting old.
I can’t handle being alone.
I can’t handle making a fool of myself.
I can’t handle not getting the job.
I can’t handle losing him/her.
I can’t handle losing money.
Level 2 Fears Translate To:
I can’t handle the responsibilities of success.
I can’t handle failure.
I can’t handle being rejected…etc.
Thus Level 3 = I Can’t Handle It
The truth is:
IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD HANDLE ANYTHING THAT CAME YOUR WAY, WHAT WOULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO FEAR?
The answer: NOTHING!
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO DIMINISH YOUR FEAR IS TO DEVELOP MORE TRUST IN YOUR ABILITY TO HANDLE WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY.
Every time you feel afraid, remind yourself that it is simply because you are not feeling good enough about yourself. Then proceeded to use one or more of the tools in this book to help build yourself up.
Chapter 2: Can’t You Make It Go Away?
The five truths about fear:
- The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.
- The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it
- The only way to feel better about myself is to go out… And do it
- Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else.
- Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.
Chapter 3: From Pain to Power
The real issue has nothing to do with the fear itself, but rather, how we hold the fear.
How We Hold Fear
It’s not the ability to get someone else to do what you want them to do. It’s the ability to get yourself to do what you want to do.
The question you should be asking yourself before taking any action is, is this action moving me to a more powerful place? If it isn’t you will think twice about doing it.
Pain To Power Vocabulary
I can’t……………………………………………………..I won’t
I should…………………………………………………..I could
It’s not my fault………………………………………..I’m totally responsible
It’s a problem…………………………………………..It’s an opportunity
I’m never satisfied…………………………………….I want to learn and grow
Life’s a struggle………………………………………..Life’s an adventure
I hope……………………………………………………..I know
If only……………………………………………………..Next time
What will I do?…………………………………………I know I can handle it
It’s terrible……………………………………………….It’s a learning experience
Begin eliminating the terribles, cans, problems, struggles, and so on from your vocabulary.
The more you expand your comfort zone, the more powerful you become.
Chapter 4: Whether You Want It Or Not…It’s Yours
When you give away your power, you move farther and farther to the left side of the paint – 2 – power chart, and as a result, you become paralyzed in your attempts to deal with fear.
You are the cause of all of your experiences of life, meaning that you are the cause of your reactions to everything that happens to you.
There is absolutely no need to be upset with your past, present or future behavior. It is simply part of the learning process – the process of moving yourself from pain to power. And it takes time. You must be patient with yourself.
If someone is not supplying your basic needs to be nurtured and loved, certainly you would serve yourself by leaving. But first, you must ask yourself, is it that he or she is so terrible, or is it simply that I am NOT taking responsibility for my experience of life?
As you go through each day, it is important to realize that at every moment you are choosing the way you feel.
Each time you are upset, be conscious of the alternatives available to you.
7 ways to reclaim your power:
- Avoid casting blame on an external force for your bad feeling about life. Nothing outside yourself can control your thinking or actions.
- Avoid blaming yourself for not being in control. You are doing the best you can, and you were on the way to reclaiming your power.
- Be aware of when and where you play the victim role. During the clues that tell you that you are not being responsible for what you are being, having, doing, or feeling.
- Familiarize yourself with your biggest enemy – your internal “chatterbox”. Use the exercises throughout this book to replace it with a loving internal friend.
- Figure out the payoffs that keep you stuck. Paradoxically, once you find them, you will probably be able to quickly become unstuck.
- Determine what you want in life and act on it. Stop waiting for someone to give it to you. You’ll be waiting a long time.
- Be aware of the many choices you have – in both actions and feelings – in any situation that comes your way. Choose the path that contributes to your growth and makes you feel at peace with yourself and others.
Chapter 5: Pollyana Rides Again
It is reported that more than 90 percent of what we worry about never happens.
Positive words make us physically strong; negative words make us physically weak
When problem-solving, stimulating discussion, or reading is a part of your daily life, your mind is sharp. After a two-week vacation of lounging on the beach, it takes quite a few days to get your brain back in shape. Certain aspects of our cells need constant reinforcement, & a positive mental attitude is just one of them.
Always have easy access to the following items to turn around negative thoughts and make your day more pleasurable:
- Something to play audio files on
- Positive audiotapes, CDs, etc.
- Positive books that inspire and motivate
- Index cards or post-it notes
- Positive quotes
One important thought about positive thinking. It is important that you don’t use that as an excuse for denial. We begin to feel so good feeling the power of positive thoughts that it is tempting to stifle any sadness and pain that exist that only in our own lives, but in the world as well.
Yes, there is pain in our lives. We all experience loss and disappointment. No one is immune. And real positive thinking about the tears to flow, always knowing we would get to the other side of the pain and live a beautiful and productive life.
Chapter 6: When “They” Don’t Want To Grow
As you begin to grow, you will notice that you no longer want to be around depressing. People’s negativity is contagious, and you walk away feeling lousy after spending time in the company of a negative person. Positiveness is contagious as well, and spending time with a positive person makes you feel as though you can sprout wings and fly.
The people in your life are a good indicator of where you are operating on an emotional level. Like attracts like. As you begin to change, you will automatically draw and be drawn to a different kind of person.
It is often our mate who resists our growth most of all.
As we strive for healthy assertiveness in life, we overshoot the mark in the beginning and swing from passivity to aggression many times before we settle into healthy.
Know that in all likelihood, as you start to take risks and grow, you are going to get resistance from people in your life. It’s a given.
You need not feel shocked, surprised, or self-righteous. It is their way of defending their security. Often, they don’t even know they’re doing it. In their minds, these admonitions and observations seem totally justified and for your own good. What is important is that you know what is happening.
One of the reasons we react in such a hostile fashion to others who don’t support us is our need for approval. Whenever we get upset at the comments of our loved ones, it is a clue we are still acting like a child, guilt is another clue. Guilt and hostility often mask our anger at ourselves and others for not being able to break unhealthy ties with loved ones.
As difficult as it is, cutting childlike relationships with others and substituting more responsible ones allows you to act much more lovingly toward other people in your life. It is a paradox. The less you need someone’s approval, the more you are able to love them.
The most important thing is for you to be your own best friend. Whatever you are doing – don’t put yourself down. Slowly begin to discover which, for you, is a path of the heart. Which path in life will make you grow? That is the path to take.
Chapter 7: How To Make A No-Lose Decision
One of the biggest fears that keep us from moving ahead with our lives is difficulty in making decisions.
Our need to be perfect and our need to control the outcome of events work together to keep us petrified when we think about making a change or attempting a new challenge.
All you have to do to change your world is change the way you think about it.
Make No-Lose, not No-Win Decisions
No matter what decision path you take there are goodies along the way. What are these goodies? They are opportunities to experience life in a new way, to learn, to grow, to find out who you are who you would really like to be and what you would like to do with this life.
If you stand at a No-Lose Choice Point your “fearless” self takes over.
We have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic.
Every time you encounter something that forces you to handle it, your self-esteem is raised considerably. You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens. And in this way, your fears are diminished immeasurably.
THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU CAN HANDLE ANYTHING THAT COMES YOUR WAY IS THE KEY TO ALLOWING YOURSELF TO TAKE HEALTHY, LIFE-AFFIRMING RISKS.
- Focus immediately on No-Lose Model
- Do your homework
- It is important that you talk to the right people. Let me give you my definition of the right people: those who support your learning and growing. If you talk to people who constantly put down the possibilities open to you, they are the wrong people to talk to. Politely say thank you and go on to someone else.
- There is no such thing as a false start if you are seriously committed to advancement.
- Establish your priorities
- Trust your impulses
- Very often your subconscious mind sends knowing messages as to which choice is better at a particular time. As you start paying attention to your impulses, you will be surprised at the good advice you’re giving yourself.
- Lighten up
- Start thinking about yourself as a lifetime student at a large university. Your curriculum is the total relationship with the world you live in, from the moment you’re born to the moment you die.
After Making a Decision
- Throw away your picture
- If you are focused on the way it’s supposed to be, you might miss the opportunity to enjoy the way it is or to have it be wonderful in a totally different way from what you imagine.
- Accept total responsibility for your decisions
- Don’t protect, correct
There are many inner clues that help you know when it is time to correct. The two most obvious are confusion and dissatisfaction. Ironically, these are considered negatives, instead of positives. I know it is hard to accept, but an upset in your life is beneficial, in that it tells you that you were off course in some way, and you need to find your way back to your particular path of clarity once again.
Chapter 8: How Whole Is Your Whole Life
|Contribution (Making Your Own Special Difference in the World)||Hobby||Leisure|
|Family||Alone Time||Personal Growth|
Commitment, as I am using the term, means consciously giving a hundred percent – everything you’ve got – to each box of the grid.
Incorporating Whole Life Grid into Your Daily Life
- Recognize that you may be caught in a vicious cycle in one or more grid areas
- Create your own Whole Life Grid
- After you have filled in your grid, pick one of the boxes to work on. Shut your eyes and visualize what you would like that part of your life to look like.
- When you get a clear picture, take a blank piece of paper and begin writing down what your mind created for you, paying attention to all the details
- List the many things that would have to be done in order to make your visualization become a reality.
- Do steps 3,4 and 5 for every area of the grid
- Each day create a specific goal for yourself that reflects all the boxes of your grid
Chapter 9: Just Nod Your Head – Say Yes
The phrase “say yes” means to agree to those things that life hands us. Saying yes means letting go of resistance and letting in the possibilities that our universe offers in new ways of seeing the world. It means to relax bodily and calmly survey the situation, thereby reducing upset and anxiety. Aside from the emotional benefits, the physical benefits are enormous, conversely saying no means to be a victim.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF PAIN IS VERY IMPORTANT, DENIAL IS DEADLY.
SAYING YES MEANS GETTING UP AND ACTING ON YOUR BELIEF THAT YOU CAN CREATE MEANING AND PURPOSE IN WHATEVER LIFE HANDS YOU.
THE WORLD IS FULL OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN HANDED THE “WORST” LIFE HAS TO OFFER…AND THEY HAVE COME OUT WINNERS!
Steps to help you say “Yes”
- Create awareness that you are not saying “No”
- Once consciousness is there, actually, nod your head up and down and say “Yes”
- Using the same principle, physically relax your body…notice where you are tense and focus on letting the tension go
- Look for ways to create value from any experience, e.g., what can I learn from this?
- Be patient with yourself. Don’t say “No” to your difficulty in saying “Yes”
The only time you will fear anything is when you say no and resist the universe. You may have heard the expression, go with the flow. This means consciously accepting what is happening in your life. I once heard it said that the key to life is not to figure out what you can get from the flow but, rather, to figure out how to get into the flow.
Chapter 10: Choosing Love and Trust
IF ALL YOUR “GIVING” IS ABOUT “GETTING,” THINK HOW FEARFUL YOU WILL BECOME
There are few in our society who have been taught the secrets of growing up and giving. We have been taught the illusion of giving, but not the actuality of giving. As we have been taught to be careful in terms of our physical safety, we have also been taught not to let anyone con us or take advantage of us. As a result, unless we get something back, we feel used.
WHEN WE GIVE FROM A PLACE OF LOVE, RATHER THAN FROM A PLACE OF EXPECTATION, MORE USUALLY COMES BACK TO US THAN WE COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED.
It is easy to give when you feel abundantly endowed, but you only feel that way when you give, not before! So, feel the fear… And do it anyway!
YOU MUST BECOME WHAT YOU WANT TO ATTRACT. BE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WOULD WANT TO SURROUND YOURSELF WITH.
The difference between the way we operate in the world when we know we count and when we don’t know we count is staggering. If you have not yet acknowledged that you count in this world, simply go around acting as if you do. Ask yourself, if I really counted, what would I be doing in this situation? How would I be acting? It really works.
When we let someone be who they are without trying to change them, that is giving away love. When we trust that someone can handle his or her own life, and act accordingly, that is giving away love. When we let go and allow others to learn and grow without feeling that our existence is threatened, that is giving away love.
Love is generally confused with dependence, but in point of fact, you can love only in proportion to your capacity for independence.
TO LOVE IS TO BE ABLE TO GIVE. AND NOW IS THE TIME TO BEGIN.
If you see that your purpose in life is to give, then it’s almost impossible to be conned. If someone takes, they are simply fulfilling your life’s purpose, and they deserve your thanks. When you act as the giving adult, your fears are diminished… You realize you are meant to be used.
“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making me happy.” – George Bernard Shaw
“I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and, as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.” – George Bernard Shaw
Chapter 11: Filling the Inner Void
What all of us are really searching for is this divine essence within ourselves.
When you are feeling this sense of being lost, or off course, the thing to do to find your way home again is simply to use the tools that will align you with your higher self – and thus allow the good feelings to flow once again.
Unless you consciously or unconsciously tap into the spiritual part within, you will experience perpetual discontent.
The Higher Self is a source of positive thoughts and positive energy
The Chatterbox is a source of negative energy and negative thoughts
The Conscious Mind chooses its source of information and energy and sends this information to the Subconscious Mind.
The Subconscious Mind listens to the Conscious Mind and carries out the instructions given
This Manifest itself in External Universal Flow of Energy and Internal Body Emotions and Intellect
Like attracts like. When you send out negative energy, what will you attract? Negative energy. When you send out positive energy, what will you attract? Positive energy. Perhaps this makes clear why it is imperative to train your mind to send out positive thoughts.
One of the tools the subconscious mind uses to connect you with what you are looking for is your intuition.
IF WE DO NOT CONSCIOUSLY AND CONSISTENTLY FOCUS ON THE SPIRITUAL PART OF OURSELVES, WE WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE THE KIND OF JOY, SATISFACTION, SAFETY, AND CONNECTEDNESS WE ARE ALL SEEKING.
Whole Life Grid with Spirituality
(Energy flows in all directions)
THE CHOICE IS MINE
|When I am tuned into the Chatterbox||When I am tuned into my Higher Self|
|I try to control||I trust|
|I don’t notice my blessings||I appreciate|
|I need||I love|
|I am insensitive||I care|
|I am in turmoil||I am at peace|
|I am blocked||I am creative|
|I don’t know if I count||I count|
|I repel||I attract|
|I take||I give and receive|
|I am bored||I am involved|
|I am empty||I am, filled up|
|I am filled with self-doubt||I am confident|
|I am dissatisfied||I am content|
|I have tunnel vision||I see big|
|I wait and wait||I live now|
|I am helpless||I am helpful|
|I never enjoy||I am joyful|
|I am always disappointed||I go with what is|
|I hold resentment||I forgive|
|I am tense||I am relaxed|
|I am a robot||I am alive|
|I am being passed by||I love getting older|
|I am weak||I am powerful|
|I am vulnerable||I am protected|
|I am off course||I am on the path|
|I am poor||I let go|
|I am lonely||I have so much|
|I am afraid||I am connected|
|I make a negative difference||I make a positive difference|
|I am afraid||I am excited|