One thing I see plaguing most organizations today is a lack of clear standards. And when these standards exist, there is minimal adherence to them on a regular basis. We all like to talk a good game when it comes to what we value and expect of one another, but do we live up to it?
Having standards and consistently applying them to your life or work situation isn’t always easy. Sometimes this means you need to let people go as their boss or remove friends from your inner circle. For whatever reason, there is a disconnect between you and that person regarding how you will operate together. It is no longer a good fit. I used to struggle when people didn’t meet my standards, and as a result, I would often perceive them as bad people. As I grew older, I realized that wasn’t the case. It’s just that the individual and I don’t share similar expectations of each other, regardless of the nature of our relationship. The other person views relationship building differently and behaves accordingly. Their standards guide their journey. I get to decide whether or not to ride alongside them.
However, some people have no standards at all. They navigate life independently, without guardrails, through each situation. Such behavior creates all sorts of problems. When they are stressed, they tend to lower their standards and do whatever gives them relief, even if this is short-sighted or ill-advised. They can be completely different people at home, at work, or in a volunteer role. Depending on where you sit in their relationship hierarchy, you may see different sides of them. You never know what you’re going to get from them. Is it a good day or a bad day? Are they too busy at work or have too much time on their hands? Is your relationship with them a priority, or has it become a well-intended distraction? When you can’t predict someone’s behavior, it becomes confusing, annoying, and potentially unsafe to further invest in the relationship.
I’ve struggled my whole life trying to be crystal clear with my standards and values. I feel like I am pretty honest and straightforward with other people, but then they start testing the boundaries right out of the gate. I often ask myself, “Why are they doing this? Are they just checking to see if my standards are for real? Do they disagree with my standards and want to challenge them as a result? Were they hoping that I’d lower my standards if I grew to like them? Do they believe that my standards are too high?” I don’t know. However, what I do know is that I’ve become less willing to lower my standards as I’ve grown older and realized the consequences of not doing so.
If someone truly cares about and respects you, they will strive to meet your standards, as long as you are willing to do the same for them. The issue with one person’s noncompliance is that it implies your standards are negotiable— and thus optional —based on who they are. While theoretically this may be a good idea, in practice it is a horrible one. You will be judged by your exceptions. Many leaders I have worked with over the years regret the day they lowered their expectations or standards for an individual and suffered the consequences. No one person is more important than the organization (or family). People who respect you also respect what you value. Having high-functioning relationships often means making tough, necessary people decisions.
One thing I’ve noticed lately is the lopsided nature of how individuals perceive and apply standards. Employees want their bosses to accommodate them in any way possible but chafe at being held accountable to performance deadlines and productivity expectations. Colleagues regularly let one another down without consequences. Marriages often fall apart far too quickly, as each party expects the other to bend to their will and fundamentally change who they are. It’s almost as if we are saying to one another, “I’ll play the game by my rules and my rules alone.” The moment you try to make this a reciprocal relationship, the other person complains and starts to look elsewhere. The relationship will fail if our standards don’t align.
I regularly tell my clients not to have too many standards or values. Select the few that are genuinely important to you, and adhere to them consistently. I’ve heard, “Good fences make good neighbors.” I’d add, “Good boundaries make good relationships.” If you have too many boundaries, then it becomes too difficult to coexist with you, and too much time is spent figuring out how to navigate the relationship. If there are only a handful of really important sticking points, then I can incorporate them into my interactions with you and make it a habit.
Navigating life without standards is like steering a ship without a rudder. You may not end up where you want to go. You may also put yourself and your crew at risk. However, when a leader or organization has clear standards that are equally applied throughout the company, it makes everything else easier. The same principle applies to families and friendships. People are aware of the expectations of behavior and can operate within them without confusion. They also know that testing these boundaries usually results in a suboptimal outcome, so they comply with them or leave. The result should be satisfactory either way.
I’ve had to make some tough relationship decisions through the years, in the short run. It can hurt to move on from someone you care about. In the long run, your organization, team, or family will grow stronger, be less stressed, and be more likely to enjoy the journey of being together. And, when you respect and care about the people you interact with and operate from a shared set of values, many good things are possible. The vital relationships in your life are meant to be relatively easy, not difficult. That doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges, but at least you’ll be operating from a strong foundation of shared behavioral expectations and values. When the people around you know where you stand and what you value, and that you are consistent with living this way, they tend to respect the relationship much more, even if in the end they decide it’s not a good fit for them.