Leadership Thought #486 – Be Wary of Angry People
Whenever you get a disproportionately angry response from someone, there is usually something else deeper going on. People don’t normally go from 0-60 emotionally in a noticeably brief time span unless they are already vulnerable and/or irritable to begin with. They may be using you as a proxy for someone or something else, even if you are the target of their invective. Of course, it could also be the result of a widening chasm built over time between that person and you that you weren’t fully aware of, and it ended up reaching a breaking point. Whatever the reason, it is a troubling reaction that shouldn’t be taken lightly. We often focus too much on the “what” and not enough time on the “why.”
People under extreme pressure often overestimate their ability to manage stress individually. You’ve probably been there yourself. You keep adding responsibilities, thinking you have it all figured out. It seemed as though you were effectively managing your responsibilities until you unexpectedly deviated from your usual behavior and expressed anger towards someone without any valid reason. Sadly, the people closest to us end up being the victims of our flare-ups. Guilt doesn’t take too long to emerge, and if you have half a conscience, you apologize after having cooled down. Hopefully, these occurrences are rare. If not, you need to step back and reflect on your behavior and even seek professional help if you can’t change the tide on your own.
If you are on the receiving end of angry behavior, the worst thing you can do is escalate the situation. A spark can quickly ignite into a roaring flame. Nobody wins in a pissing contest, so why bother? Instead, counter the emotion with a more composed response. If necessary, walk away and/or end the conversation. Given some time to reflect, the other party will often calm down and be more open to a rational discussion at a later time. Always acknowledge the occurrence, and choose an appropriate time to revisit the discussion if they do not take the initiative. If too much time elapses, the wound will become a scar that never fully heals. And, far too many non-deserving people are walking around with way too many scars inflicted on them by angry, non-repentant people.
With time, I’ve learned that some people are worth the trouble while others are not. If a fellow human being has built up emotional capital with you, then they should be allowed to cash it in. If you know the other individual is struggling or dealing with significant issues, give them some space and consider your communication more carefully (especially if the message is constructive rather than supportive). If the situation is sporadic rather than consistent, be patient with them. However, if you encounter such a reaction during the initial stages of a relationship, it’s best to retreat and avoid looking back. If someone attacks your character before they know you, it’s more about them than you. Bad behavior, like good behavior, becomes a habit with specific individuals. As my dad used to say, “Some people are just looking for an excuse to be angry, and the best thing to do is avoid them like the plague.”
I encourage you not to try to play amateur psychologist. If it’s a truly deep issue you’ve triggered, you may not be the best person to help them work through it. The last thing you want to do is unleash something you have no idea how to help fix if needed. We can sometimes work through the issue with another person if the problem is related to our relationship with them, but even then, depending on the severity of the issue, a skilled third party might be more advisable to help navigate the situation.
As psychiatrists are fond of saying, “There are no bad emotions, just bad actions triggered by those emotions.” I never cease to be fascinated (and concerned) by human behavior. Grown-ups can become poorly behaved children in an instant. Emotions can fluctuate rapidly. People who don’t feel guilty or apologize for aberrant behavior are a major red flag. The signs are typically there early on. We overlook them to our detriment. The best indicator of future performance is past behavior. In addition, physical violence should NEVER be tolerated. Individuals who cross that boundary require assistance, not the type you can or ought to provide. People experience anger for various reasons, some of which are justifiable and others not. As an adult, how you accept and respond to this anger is and always will be up to you.
